Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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