Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
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I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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