The maid of honor just puked.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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