i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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