this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
