A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize