woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
not ubering you a puppy
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
