Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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