so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
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