got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
