I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
