It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
