i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
