i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Randomize
