I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
