i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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