chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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