I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
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