12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
