I think my vagina is haunted
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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