I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
