remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
