WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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