one might say we're banned from that church
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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