Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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