Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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