and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
