I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
this is an emotional support booty call
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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