Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
