The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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