i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
