I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
