You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
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I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
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New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
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