I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
