i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
