I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
the liver wants what the liver wants
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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