know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
