Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
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Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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