Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
