oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
