I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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