It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
