I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You took a bar mat shot.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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