True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
