Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
