She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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