Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
