DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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