So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
