Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
