remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
