:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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