He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
