Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
