My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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