I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
