Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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